Serendipity

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in life was understanding that love and peace doesn’t come without hate and chaos. We can love, and strive for a more peaceful life but how do you know what that looks like? Is it people telling you “I love you” or coming home after a long day to a home cooked meal? Is peace the quiet and calm or knowing you’ll have rent covered?

Everyone’s definition is going to be different but the understanding of love and peace is always going to come from hate and utter chaos.

In the darkest moments, we find serenity in the least expected places. I can’t speak for others but for myself, there was a time where I was homeless. The fear of what’ll happen? When will I eat? How will I survive? Even in the chaos of the moment, sitting in an empty community centre parking lot looking up at the sunset filled sky, the tall buildings surrounding the busy city of Mississauga, the sound of cars passing by, for the first time in a long while… I was finally at peace…

How was it that chaos brought me a feeling of serenity when I had lost what I had fought so hard to love?

Now that it’s been 5 years since the situation, I’m able to see more clearly. In the moment I was blinded by my animosity for all those I loved, I was blinded by what I thought was the peace that I was living in. Now I see that my peace was merely just contentment of the moment. My love was disregarded, I felt irrelevant and disrespected. I was hurt deeply.

I still am, but I’ve come to understand that this is love. Those I love will love me for who I am and what I’ve tried my best to do. I wish for so much but I know expectations will only bring on disappointment. I was angry because I love with my heart, so the mistakes that were made are that of a human doing his best not knowing what to do.

I love you all, even to those who think that I don’t. I used one situation as an example but there have been many in my life that I have learned from. Many that have been affected. To you, I apologize. I can’t ask for forgiveness from each and every person but know I am trying my absolute best in life to be a better person for everyone still in my life.