Serendipity

I do not fear the doubt that is casted from others for the doubt casted by myself cast a much bigger shadow. All my life I have lived simply to prove others wrong. To prove that I could do what I set out to do and I wasn’t going to stop. That has led to great strides in my life, its also led to some of the darkest times. It’s taught me to be self reliant and independent but what came with that, was the inability to ask for help. A strong sense of shame was built if I ever asked for help. I would rather suffer than to ask for help and that was a mentality that grew out of necessity during some of the harshest and extreme moments.

I’ve doubted my abilities since I was a child. “Was I ever smart enough? Was I going to make it in the real world? Could I amount to anything?” I saw doubt from those around me quite often. Teachers who compared me to smarter and hard working people that were associated with me or members of my circles who thought what I was doing was a waste of time. So often instead of falling to there doubts, I leveraged there doubt as motivation to simply do better. This doubt turned into drive and ambition. It would also eventually turn into selfishness and anger. I still feel it. Not the selfishness but the anger. The anger of other peoples doubt, why must we doubt instead of supporting those who see a dream. It was always “Me vs. Everyone”, I rode with this mentality for many years. Eventually this mentality was shot and I was just what everyone said I was going to be. I had to learn to do and be better. I learned, with the help of those close to me, how to love, how to care and how to push without the use of anger. This was where my own self doubt was born. “Can I do this? Am I going to fall and disappoint those who are relying on me? Do I have what it takes to achieve my goals?

I learned very quickly that other people’s thoughts and doubts could no longer hurt me because the doubt I had for myself was much bigger. I learned to work on my self doubt and build walls thats wouldn’t break. No one could hurt me anymore. What people think about me meant nothing to me because what I thought about myself was based off everything I knew as a fact.

People will doubt, but understand this. You are your own person, you know the facts that occupy your life. What others know is not a fact but an opinion. They see what they see but do not know what you know. Build yourself to be strong and confident. Work on your own self doubt and no one can break you. You have the ability to control how people see and look at you, so walk with strides of confidence. This is your life, no one else’s. I hope to see you all where our dreams cross one another. Until then stay dreaming, and keep on loving.