Serendipity

“A feeling of trust that something good might happen.”
How does one have trust when the one thing that is suppose to give us hope is broken? How do we trust when all we’ve done is trust and its been taken away?

Even now I find myself thinking that hope isn’t something I can hold on to for too long. Hope is diminishing, and at times almost impossible to see. Some days where I waited for hope I received pain. Where I prayed and begged I was given silence and in that silence my thoughts ran rampant. Hope was a concept that was flawed, flawed by the ignorance of humans who believed there suffering would lead them to a place of peace and prosperity even if it meant enduring that grief and pain as a means to develop… and that is exactly what happened to me.

I hated the idea of hope. Hope was what led me to some of the darkest times of my life. I could no longer trust hope, I needed to trust myself and depend on my own will to keep living. I understood if I gave up, that was it. I would be unsatisfied with the results of my life at the current time. Having lost everything I spent my entire 20’s working towards became the nightmare that I dreamt of all the time. So I kept pushing no longer relying solely on hope. I worked hard on my mental and physical stability. Eventually that led to pieces falling into place. Relationships slowly being mended. Clarity and the understanding of empathy and sympathy.

Where I use to love, the void was filled with hatred but it was during that time of healing, during the time where hope was no longer my focus, where I found love in hatred. I understood and became more aware of why things happened the way they did. Hope meant nothing if what drove hope was simply desperation. Hope needed commitment, it needed willingness and love. Hope was the ability to trust but not in hope, in yourself so that we could trust that in these dark times we wouldn’t give up.

Have hope but beyond hope, trust in yourself. That even in the darkest of times we know whats best for us. Even in the darkness our eyes can adjust to the glimmer of light that will lead us out.