Serendipity

I’ve spent the last 10 years cultivating the person that I am now. My identity has been wrapped around everything I’ve put into this person and for the first time ever, I have to question “what now?”

People who know me, know one thing about me. I’ve always said that I wasn’t a good person. I am nice to everyone who treats me with respect but I am a human and flawed at that. I do my best to learn and do better but there will be times I slip. That’s what the last 10 years of my life was, trying to do better constantly. Understanding that my failures in relationships, in my work, and overall as a human will continue to be the building blocks that would create who I would be. Who I am now.

Yes, in doing that, I also live my life being haunted by those very things that built who I am. It’s hard to sleep without worrying about living. Its hard to live without proper sleep. For all the “what if’s” that I carry in my heart, my heart becomes a fragile glass that is worn on my sleeve. The last couple years have been difficult because for what has motivated me over the last 10 years was necessity, a need to protect and love those that needed me. You spend so much time worried and enjoying the moments that the moments become memories and your trapped reliving what was and have forgotten what is. I am only waking up now, learning to see what’s in front of me. How these people I love have grown into people who no longer need me the same way they used to. I will always and forever love them, but they are no longer children.

For 10 years my identity was that based on love, protection and nurture. A part of me will never let that go because they will forever and always be apart of my heart but I also understand that I now need to seek and heal for myself. I need to find out “what’s now”?