Serendipity

Fear is a response our body has to protect our mind and body from potential harm. Fear can help us or break us, shape us or corrupt us. Fear can be a tool or a weapon. Now how we respond towards fear will ultimately show us how strong we are.

What do you fear?

Life and death was always a conversation I’ve had with myself. Do I fear living or do I fear dying? Living an unfulfilled life knowing my dreams were simply just that, a dream, is that my biggest fear? Or is it living and facing death knowing everything I’ve lived for is over the moment my heart beat stops? Over the years these thoughts have terrified me, becoming worse as I’ve started finding more peace in my life. With peace came turmoil, the expectation of failure. I have constantly fought to keep myself afloat during those times but I’ve also grown this new level of exhaustion. This exhaustion for a battle that I’ve fought for years has worn out my clarity. Do I want to keep doing this? How close or far am I from the dream I’ve had for 10 years? I held onto hope because its the closest things I have in sight.

I want those I love to view my hard work and dedication as love I have for them. Everything I do, I do for others in hope that it’ll benefit them somewhere down the line of life.

“This isn’t how someone should live life” I’ve been told many times but in all honesty, this was how I saw life growing up. Fulfilment in life was being able to be of use to those I love. If I couldn’t then why do I exist? To take up space? To love uselessly? I can’t do that.

My parents, grandparents, father in law, teachers and friends didn’t work this hard to see me simply be okay. My heart is the badge I carry that represents everything they had struggled and fought for. My parents fought for freedom amongst tradition, to see us strive in a ever changing world. My grandparents fought wars, fought scrutiny and foraged for a life where those around them simply stole from them. My father in law, a man so strong even his love after his passing was still felt, I carry his heart so that one day he can see his children strive and see them get married, have a beautiful family. My teachers, the people who taught me discipline, taught me selflessness, become like a father and mother in times when I was blinded by greed. Lastly my friends, those who have seen me struggle, seen me change and yet still stuck by my side. I will forever and always be grateful for your kindness.

This is my greatest fear, letting down these people, these people who have embedded themselves into my heart, onto my badge. I have will because in moments of weakness I do not have strength. Will power keeps me from collapsing, it becomes a reminder for why I cannot give up.

So once again, what’s your fear?